A true lie breaks one heart.

I look at you like a river water flows,
Soft and calm,
Cool and easy.


Never have i thought,
Heart is broken,
Hope is crush
Plans are forgotten.

That is a little something i wrote which I don't even know what it means.

Recently, many things have happened in my life especially the past 2 weeks. I am a person that take something small into something to look forward to. When I was in secondary, what kept me going on studying was to wait for holiday, what kept me going on studying for that day was Lunch time and What kept me on going in College was time to work. Every little thing keeps me going for a reason and sometimes meeting up a friend on a tragic month keeps me alive.

The first thing that happened was my dad was admitted to hospital because the Doctor found fluid in his lung. We all, even the Doctor thought that my dad would have had Lung Cancer as this was the symptoms of Lung Cancer. We prayed hard and hard for my dad to be well and amazingly my dad had no Lung Cancer but it was just an infection in his lung that cause fluid to enter his lung.

Even though that, he still has to go for surgery to remove the fluid from his Lung and as soon as the surgery was done, he was sent to the ICU without informing us what happened; My mom and I was very worried as the Doctor was not present to talk to us.

Thank God he was fine and my dad health seems much better now.

At first we thought all was fine but I received a call from my Uncle. I still remember the conversation well, it goes like this:

Uncle: Joel, is Ah Ma (grandma) with you in KL?
Joel: No o... Why le?
Uncle: I cannot seem to get hold of Ah Ma so I was wondering if she is in KL with you all.
Joel: No le... Maybe she went to the temple?
Uncle: Nvm i try calling again.

At this very moment, I had the feeling something bad has happened to my grandma as she never ignores a call so i tried to call her house also but I did not inform my parents about this coz my dad was just discharged and I didn't want them to get worried. I tried calling and she didn't pick up, at that time was 10pm and i thought she was in the temple or might had been asleep.

The next day I saw a my Aunty called me and my heart started to beat fast as I knew it would certainly be something to do with my grandma. She told me, Joel, Ah Ma has passed away. Can you please tell your parents. I hung up the call and my classmate was beside me, I knew my classmate saw a changed in my facial expression; I was so shocked that I didn't know what to do for a moment until it came to my mind that I have to call my parents.

I picked up the phone to call my mom and after a short discussion, we decided to go back to Penang. At 7.30pm that evening, we drove back to Penang. Ever since I was at Penang, memory of my Grandma flashes back; How she talked to me, What she loves to do, How she saw me grow up. But as soon as I open my eyes, her casket was in front of me which was really heartbreaking.

We were in Penang till Sunday, the day after my grandma was put to rest in her temple along with his son.

As I mentioned in the post earlier, I look forward to a lot of things and for this very tragic month, I look forward to this 3 public holidays as I booked a day with my friend to go out, we've not met before but we are very close to each other and I was hoping to take this opportunity to meet up and ease my mind also.

Ever since my grandma pass away, I have been looking forward to this day a lot to meet up with her but a true lie she had given me, a true true lie. What was I to her? Someone stupid to really look forward to something that she didn't even give a damn? Let me put it this way, "Don't Give A Fuck" to it? Let the image speak for itself. (Click on the image to enlarge)

The title of my blog

I was just messing around my blog settings just a few moments ago and I came to a point where it says TITLE. In the field next to it was my blog title which is My Life, My Moment, My Dream.


My own blog title got me thinking, I've been living a long time trying to satisfy everyone I've came to know. Why wouldn't it be vice-versa? Why would it be someone tries hard to satisfy me? In my Facebook recently, I've posted a status

"I try so hard being a friend to others that i forgot i need a friend too."


What should I do? It got me thinking.

Here is a song that would actually match this blog.

Have you ever felt?

My classmate was just messing with my laptop at class today and he saw a video on my Desktop. He, as a curious guy about everything, asked me what was the video about. I told him was something I did and I opened it for him to view.

To his surprise, it was actually a poem written inside. He said why did i write all these for no reason? You seem lonely and so pity writing these but the receiver is "no-one"...

What i told him was, This 3 words "I Love You" has never been a word that could really express my feelings or my love because it seems to me just 3 simple words that are so commonly used nowadays. Poem to me is something I need to express my heart.

I was shocked that he answered me YES! I understand your feeling. I never knew I could find a person that needed poem to express but even shocking is that I never knew it would be my classmate.

What I told him was actually a white lie. This poem wasn't to no-one and it wasn't meant to be viewed by anyone because this video was suppose to be for a person that is in my heart. An unknown person maybe in the future or the past.

Anyways, since he saw the video. Here I will show the video to all. Sometimes keeping things in the heart ain't that good but not always telling it out will be better. Putting into words and song will explain 1/3 of all the things.

Enjoy this little video (best view in full screen)

Deactivating Facebook.

I've seen so much on Facebook, I've learn so much from Facebook, I've experience so much on Facebook and I've done so much on Facebook. I wonder, would it be better if i would to just disable my Facebook account for a week and go out to socialize with my friends.

Facebook has given me many opportunity to widen my network among different groups of people; directors, ambassadors, models, agents, and even up to owners.

Since beginning of this year, or maybe the moment i sign a contract with DiGi, i have gone full out for Facebook as if it was part of my life to check it, to go through it; as if it was my newspaper. Since then, i have become so "obsessed" about it that i do check friends profile so see whats happening and true enough i sometimes think the wrong way why they replied others and not me.

I have become someone i don't know myself. But in terms, i have learn something more about myself.

Now the issue is should i overcome this issue by deactivating my Facebook or just try to overcome this issue with my Facebook still active. Sigh.

My mind has been fighting so much because of the issue of "Friends". Some of my friends know that I am the only child in the family and i do not have any siblings, the next closest person i have are friends and i do cherish them a lot. Since FB is available, i have used Facebook to connect to my friends but now i will be deactivating the one source to connect to my friends. Sigh..

What should I do readers?

It has been a hard time for me.

Hey all my friends, i wonder why i have the urge to write a little blog out of a sudden. Maybe its due to whats happening in life or its just a plain old random feeling.

Have you ever loved someone but he/she seems to be ignorance to your love? Have you ever felt that you feel so left out when you see her/him with their loved ones? Well, i feel you my friend.

I've loved this girl for long period of time. She just ignored and acted as if we were just good friends, what i did to her was what a "good friend" should do. Well, i accepted what she said to me. But after a long period of time, i've told myself to just let go, I'm still young am I not? I still have ten thousand other girls to choose from, why wait here all alone feeling being used?

I did so and guess what, she came back to me saying she miss me and so on. Later on she called me a fake that what i did for her are all fakes. How could this be. How could this happened. Now she treats me like a stranger, she treats me like we never met before.

I'll like to dedicate this song to her. And i hope all my readers to this blog look into the lyrics of this song.




Lyrics
No, I can't take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus]

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Haven updated for quite sometime now..

Wow, the last i updated was on November 23.... Thats about a month plus ago!

Many things happened this past which really changed my life to the better i suppose.... Human have to go through the worse to just get up and know. I have that reaction of "Oh shit, i am wrong, wrong wrong wrong." Thats when i know, i have to learn from that mistake.

Well, let that mistake go pass and i've learn my lesson.